A beautiful article about Negative Emotions, Hurt and Detachment by a dear blogging friend of mine from India Supriya.
Supriya’s blog can be found here http://hopeoflight.wordpress.com/about/
I hope you enjoy it as much as I?
Hello readers, many times in life we feel deeply hurt. Internal hurt is more painful than external hurt as no one able to see that the heart is crying and it will be more difficult if you are a sensitive person.
This question haunted me from a long time why something or someone hurt us so much? Why we feel pain in our heart? How can we able to cure this pain?
I asked people I tried to find its answer in book & everywhere. And the most common answer I get is “LOVE HURTS” as it said, “ Those who love us knows exactly where to hit to break the heart.” But frankly speaking, I didn’t find this answer helpful.
I always believe there must be some cure for this pain or hurt like we have medicines for body wounds.
So my today’s story is in search of that cure which heals our heart that feels hurt.
Life is miserable for Diya. She feels everyone holding a hammer in their hand and as soon as they get the chance they hit hard on her heart. Whom she considers her love ones also do this.. She desperately needs some help to over come from this otherwise she gets mad. She didn’t want any temporary solution of this problem as she did in the past. This time she wants the actual answer to her question “ It hurts…. But why? And what’s the solution. She tried everything she could but not able to find any satisfied answer.
One day while she was going to meet one of her friend she saw a pamphlet “ Tell me your question” and in the end there was an email-id. Diya thought its not a harm to try this one also. So she mailed to that Id and after a few days she got a reply.
“Come & meet me at the below mentioned address.”
She thought maybe it’s a kind of joke? But then she thought if she wants to find the answer she have to go and see what it’s all about. She went to the place.
It’s a park near the university where she met a lady near the age of 55 or so. The lady greeted her with a smile and introduced her as a professor who likes to do social work in her free time.
Diya feels little hesitated to tell her problem to a stranger.
The lady insures her that whatever she will share it just between two of them.
Diya said, “ Ok…. I want to know why I feel so much hurt in my heart…. And what can I do to cure it.”
The lady asked, “ When you feel hurt most?”
Diya said, “Many times”
The lady asked, “ What hurt you most?”
Diya said, “ So many things… like at my work my boss never appreciate my work and always try to humiliate me in front of others. My colleagues pass comment on me. My friends also hurt me many times when they lie to me. My husband & my kids also sometimes become the reason of my hurt that I love the most. You know to a mother seeing their children suffers is the most painful thing. My elder son met an accident last year and still he is not able to walk properly. Could you image how much it’s hurt me?”
The lady nodded.
“ But now enough is enough I am not able to tolerate this pain more.”
The lady listen her calmly and after a few minutes she just said two words.
“ Practice Detachment”
“ What … what do you mean by that? What you want me to do to renounce my family and career for your kind information I am a family woman not any saint.” Diya said in disbelief.
The lady said, “ Calm down I am just trying to help you, don’t take me in wrong way.”
Diya said, “ Ok”
Let first understand why anything or anyone hurt us
The lady gave her a book and said, “ Hold it tight.”
Diya does it as said.
The lady hit the book hardly with a stick.
Diya dropped the book and shout, “ What are you trying to do? You almost hit me.’
The lady said, “ I am sorry but I am trying to hit the book not you.”
“ How foolish is that. I am holding the book if you hit it I also get hurt.” Diya said annoyingly.
The lady said, “ TRUE…. That’s my point. Its call attachment whenever we attach our self with something or someone we get hurt. Remember what Buddhists say..
“Don’t cling to things, because everything is impermanent”
Diya asked, “Can you explain it a little more I am not able to absorb it fully.”
The lady nodded
Now I explain it taking those points which you told me in the beginning.
Suppose, you made a good report and when you go to show it to your boss you hope that your boss like it and you get promoted for your good work. But when your boss sees your work he gets angry and completely reject your report.
Now say how you will feel??
Diya replied, “ It’s hurt me?”
“Yes, you feel hurt because what you hoped didn’t happen.” Said the lady.
Diya asked, “ Do you mean I should not hope for good.”
The lady said, “I didn’t say that my point is hoping for good is not bad. The thing that hurt us is when we attach our self to the outcome and when the outcome doesn’t come the way we expected we feel hurt.”
“We are responsible for the effort not the outcomes.”
The second thing which hurt us is when someone ( especially those whom we consider our dear ones or friends) lie to us or said bad words to us. The thing that we should remember that time is…..
“Words only hurt when you allow yourself to believe them”
‘But how could that possible I know that they are doing wrong’ Diya protest.
‘True again but we are not talking here about right and wrong. Remember we have no control over others. People are free to say what they want. A lie or bad word said once but we keep them in our hearts & mind, and hurt our self by repeating the record again and again. Let them go and remember letting go doesn’t mean that you don’t care about someone anymore. It’s just realizing that the only person you really have control over is yourself.”
“Pain will leave you, when you let go”
Now the crucial point, we feel hurt most when our love one suffers.
For this you have to image two situations.
In first situation you and your son are walking. Your right hand ties with your son’s left hand. Suddenly your son fall down and hurt him.
‘What will happen to you and what can you do in this situation?’ the lady asked
Diya replied, “ I will also fall with him as we both are tied together and it might happen that I also get hurt myself too.”
In the second situation when you and your son are walking but this time you and him are not tied together.
‘Now say what will happen to you and what will you do when you see your son get hurt?’
‘I pick him up and try to heal him’
In the first situation when our love ones going through pain we also go in pain as we are attached or say tie with them. That time when one needs someone strong to pick him or her up we choose to suffer with him or her. Its call attachment.
Diya asked in confusion, ‘ Wait… do you mean I should be emotion less and develop an attitude of I don’t care.’
Lady said, ‘No, absolutely not. We are human beings with emotions, we get connected with each other through these emotions not due to any biological reason. Due to emotions & feelings we are able to give love & show kindness toward everyone (it doesn’t matter we know them or not & its also not matter if its for human beings, animals or any non-living thing).
Emotions and feeling are like waves on a sea. See them, feel them and let them pass. Don’t allow yourself to cling to them otherwise those waves throw you out.
The second situation is an example of detachment. Detachment doesn’t mean you don’t let the experience penetrate you. On the contrary, you let it penetrate you fully. That’s how you able to leave it.
Being detached, you turn yourself in a person one who can love more deeply and care with compassion. Without detachment we always feel the fear. We are too busy being afraid. We are afraid of the pain. We are afraid of the grief. We are afraid of the vulnerability that loving entails.
Most of the time we live our life with that thought this or that thing hurt me in the past so it might be hurt me in the future.
Wash yourself with emotions. It won’t hurt you. It will help you to understand everything more clearly and deeply. When we are able to recognize the emotion and detach our self from it then only we able to be more compassionate, caring & loving.
Diya nodded and said, “ I need to reflect what I just heard. It’s a new thing for me.”
The lady said, ‘ Hmm… You should and whenever you need a talk & clear your thoughts you are most welcome.”
Diya said, ‘ I will but before I leave I have a last question. Do you able to completely detach?’
Lady said, ‘I know pain, hurt, sadness, and loneliness little better. I lost my husband and only daughter in a terror attack.’ Her eyes get moist.
‘But I am still a student who practicing detachment on a regular basis. I start my day with the affirmation that Mahatma Gandhi once said, “ No one can hurt me without my permission”’